2019 has been a year of ups and downs for Newcastle fans everywhere (no change there), but what can we look forward to in 2020? Here is my tongue in cheek look at what we can expect in the next twelve months:
January
The New Year starts with a trip to Spotland for the FA Cup tie at Rochdale. In front of the TV cameras, Steve Bruce takes the cup run seriously by fielding a changed side that scrapes a 1-1 draw, thanks to a typical Matty Longstaff wonder strike.
For the replay back at St James Park, Bruce names Henri Saivet in the matchday squad for the first time in over two years. Come an hour before kick-off though, Saivet is nowhere to be seen. The story later comes out that Henri was stopped on his way into the player’s entrance by security, who refused him entry, as they didn’t have a clue who he was. Henri later left the club on loan.
February
Newcastle lose out to Leicester City on deadline day in the pursuit of Jarred Bowen. Bowen signs for the foxes for £15 million, outbidding Lee Charnley’s offer of £4 million at the eleventh hour.
After the lack of incomings in the January transfer window, and another takeover collapse, Newcastle are dealt an injury blow. Andy Carroll is out with an ankle injury, leaving Joelinton to fend for himself against the force of Grant Hanley and Norwich City. Thankfully Newcastle win the game as Ciaran Clark continued his rich vein of scoring, heading past Tim Krul, who receives a warm reception from the Geordie nation.
March
Newcastle Fans TV are finally granted a five minute interview with Lee Charnley, so long as the interview is “conducted by anyone other than Paul Rutter”, for fear of Paul ripping Lee’s head off before the interview could begin. The interview is cut short when Charnley refuses Rob Spereall’s insistence that he pays a pound into the pun jar.
April
Newcastle secure their Premier League survival for another year, after a home win over West Ham courtesy of a towering Joelinton header. It was a nervy end to the game, as Allan Saint-Maximin got the ball and dribbled around the perimeter of the pitch for the entirety of the six minutes stoppage time. After the game, in his quick thoughts, Kyle praises ASM for his tactics, as it was a better idea than giving it to second half substitute Yoshinori Muto, who Newcastle forgot to sell in January.
May
With the Premier League already in the bag, Liverpool visit St James Park on the final day of the season. A spirited 1-1 draw sees the curtain come down on Steve Bruce’s first season in charge. Nobby Solano’s samba band make a welcome return to Nine’s Bar for the end of season party. However, with everyone distracted by Solano’s trumpet playing, Mike Ashley is spotted sneaking into the club shop with plans in hand to turn the top floor of the club shop in to a House of Fraser style department store.
June
With Gareth Southgate still refusing to recognise any English player to play for Newcastle, England bow out of Euro 2020 in the group stage, cheers from Jamal Lascelles and Jonjo Shelvey can be heard throughout Tyneside.
Allan Saint-Maximin meanwhile, is attracting interest from top clubs around Europe. Lee Charnley is left stunned, when Mike Ashley rejects a £40 million bid from Inter Milan for the Frenchman. A senior source inside the club said Ashley could be heard shouting, “Why would I sell him, when I’m about to make a f*** ton of money on Dunlop headbands?”
July
Fabian Schar mysteriously disappears when all set for a move to Bayern Munich. On the same day, Newcastle Fan TV’s very own Schar super fan, Lee Lawler is also reported missing. Lee was last seen near Schar’s home.
Days later Schar turns up for pre-season training, insisting he signs a new six year contract extension.
Newcastle sign a new striker after the sales of Muto and Dwight Gayle. The striker with an impressive record of three goals in twenty five appearances in the Greek second division, makes an impressive debut in pre-season at Aberdeen, nearly scoring from his only shot on goal.
August
Newcastle kick off their Premier League campaign at home to Manchester City, who are fresh from a mini overhaul in their squad, spending just shy of £1 Billion in the summer transfer window. United lose 0-3, whilst down the road, Sunderland kick off their third season in League one with a typical 1-1 home draw against newly promoted Crewe Alexandra.
September
Jamal Lascelles is finally called up to the England squad after injuries to every other English centre back playing in the top two divisions in England. Manager Gareth Southgate, who was fortunate to keep his job after a disastrous Euro 2020, said “It’s a great opportunity for Jamal to show us what he can do.” Southgate refused to be drawn into commenting on whether Lascelles would feature in his long term plans.
October
Newcastle secure their first home win of the season, beating Bournemouth 1-0 with a late Andy Carroll strike. Scenes in the stadium were wild as NFTV’s Owen ran the 600 mile trip from his home on the south coast to St James Park, just to be part of the celebrations.
Despite scoring twice and keeping a clean sheet on his England debut, Jamal Lascelles is duly dropped from the England squad by Gareth Southgate. Southgate opted for calling up non Newcastle player Lewis Dunk instead.
November
The predictable annual takeover rumours resume, this time a firm from Saudi Arabia claim to have agreed a £400 million fee with Mike Ashley, who’s already purchased two new failing high street chains in celebration. On the Sunday evening’s Black and White Radio Show, presenter Jonny finally snaps and is heard giving an expletive rant at constantly having to report “Bull**** takeover rumours every f****** year.” After a hug from Kyle, and a short apology to ward off OFCOM, the show continues as normal.
December
Newcastle again play Manchester United at Old Trafford on Boxing Day. Mauricio Pochettino’s Red Devils edge out an under pressure Steve Bruce, as Bruce prepares to unleash a transfer budget of £0.00 in the forthcoming transfer window.
So there you have it, my light hearted take on what we’ve got to look forward to next year. One thing is for sure, it’s never dull!